Hey Loving World !
Tonight I am pissed off.
I hooked up on the internet with a friend and i was just blue.
I just couldn’t bother.
I just was flat and tired ans sad.
And she started a crusade, I don’t really know why.
It was simply impossible for me to feel blue, to just want to do nothing about it and be myself and let all my emotions flow out of me like they wanted.
She kept going on and on about it, insisting and it just made me feel more depressed, rejected and bluer.
The worse is that suddenly I started thinking I might have done the same horrible things to people around me I love.
I walked away from the internet.
I was just so angry my friend couldn’t get it that her behavior was hurting me and that she was way over the red line already.
I felt so disrespected and rejected.
I felt so tired of the crap I was coping I just wished we would never see each other again ever.
I am still thinking it would be a good thing for me never to see her again.
Like never ever.
So why is that little evernt so important I need to write about it ?
Becuse it is juts another one adding to the long list of me being disrecpected and not knoing how o handle it.
And feeling really deeply angry about it. And feeling even worse because still not able to cope with it in a way that is not damaging me.
How do I tell her I don’t need to be Jérusalem, I need a friend that allows me to be me ?
How do I tell her I am a powerhouse of emotions and they need to be able to go and move as they please because IT IS OK FOR ME TO BE SAD.
How do I get her to respect me ?
How do I get rid of the feelings of helplessness and despair I have sometimes ?
May be just by starting writing things down in here… maybe just that.